Mourning the end of an era: My Last Baby

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My body is done but my heart is not.
We wanted three kids, I just didn’t realize the last two would be less than 30 minutes apart. Twins.

My heart is entirely full while having a void at the same time. There is something beautiful but heartbreaking about being done having kids.
The one part of me is excited to start a new season in life. Being able to move on with my career, sending them off to school sooner than later, being done breastfeeding in the coming years. The other part of me craves for another little person to need me so desperately that they are saddened at your lack of presence and need the comfort of your breast, the rhythm of your voice and the warmth of your body.
That other side is so ready to hire a babysitter to go on hot dates with my husband that require an Uber to get home.
I can’t wrap my head around their independence equaling my independence but then I want that. I need that.

Being through having children gives true meaning to the term bittersweet. We all love our energy sucking, pant pooping, snot nosed, spitty-uppy kids. But it is just that. When you are done the light at the end of the “MOMMMMMMMMM! Wipe my butt!” tunnel is in view. It is visible and we keep chugging (our wine) along raising these amazing little people.

Still, the gut wrenching feeling of never feeling a sweet baby kick for the first time while you nourish them until they are ready to come earth side, those perfect baby giggles, when they  call for mama for the first time-the longing for that may never fade.  It is easy to forget that they will still need you. They will need you when your eyes well up from their first goal in soccer, from that spelling test that they aced, from the time they fell and cut up their leg doing a trick on their bicycle-sans training wheels. They will still need us.

They will need us when they have kids and those kids will not sleep. They will need us when their baby is in perpetual teething mode. They will need us when they feel exactly the way we feel now. They will always need their mother.

You may feel like me. Happiness, sadness, excitement, guilt and infinite other feelings as our babies blossom in to incredible and independent human beings. We did that. We can keep doing that and we do not have to be sad.


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